Here’s how couples keep cheating on the down-low
Some couples may opt for polyamory — a form of consensual non-monogamy that involves being in more than one relationship — but “tolyamory” is a much more common, yet lesser discussed, relationship style.
As explained by relationship columnist and podcaster Dan Savage, being “tolyamorous” means that a person is “willing to turn a blind eye to a lap dance or a brief affair after years of marriage.” In the process, they instead “focus on all the ways their spouse demonstrates their commitment and shows their love” to somehow make the cheating “tolerable,” he says.
“These people aren’t fools or dupes. They’re not to be pitied — they know what they signed up for and long ago made peace with what they got,” Savage said on an episode of his podcast. “They’re willing to put up with it — a certain amount of it — reconciled to it, willing to tolerate it. They are, in a word, tolyamorous.”
While polyamory is discussed and consented upon by both parties, tolyamory is not.
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What is tolyamory?
scribes a relationship dynamic where one or both parties tolerate or put up with the other’s extramarital or sexual encounters.
In contrast to other consensual non-monogamy practices like polyamory, this one isn’t something the couple have formally discussed and agreed upon.
The word was introduced in a January episode on Savage’s podcast, where he described it as “someone willing to turn a blind eye to a lap dance or a brief affair after years of marriage”.
He added: “They’re able to focus on all the ways their spouse demonstrates their commitment and shows their love. And all of those other ways compensate or make the cheating that might be happening tolerable. These people aren’t fools or dupes.
“They’re not to be pitied – they know what they signed up for and long ago made peace with what they got. They’re willing to put up with it – a certain amount of it – reconciled to it, willing to tolerate it. They are, in a word, tolyamorous.”
Although we don’t know how prevalent it is at the moment, it is becoming quite common, according to relationship researchers.