I’m a married woman in my early 40s. I love my husband and we get along well as friends, but I don’t love her husband. Any passion that existed for me disappeared anyway.
I had an affair for about 18 months with a man I have known as a friend for many years. There is a lot of passion and I love him madly, but he is also married and leaves his wife until his two children (12 and 14 years old) are grown and ready to leave home. He told me he had no intention of leaving. .
He feels that if he leaves his wife now, he won’t be able to see his children, and he says his children are his priority. I don’t have kids, but I understand where he’s coming from.
To complicate things further, he runs a business with his wife, so it’s difficult to see how that would work and he’s spent years building it up. I do think he’s in love with me, but I don’t know how much longer I can carry on seeing him while I’m still married.
I don’t feel good about it and I have thought about the possibility that even when his kids are older, he still might not have the guts to leave his wife. Is it crazy to hang on for him?
Yes, 100%. We’re talking six years before his youngest is 18, and in the meantime, you’re living a double life, lying to your husband and coping with a lot of stress and unhappiness.
And what about your husband? This isn’t how you treat someone you love and have spent years with.
My advice is, don’t put your life on hold for a vague “promise” this guy might leave his wife when his kids are older. My guess is that he won’t and he certainly won’t do it while you’re happy to carry on this affair. Why should he? He’s having his cake and eating it.
Things clearly aren’t working in your marriage, so focus on sorting that out. Don’t treat your husband as a safety net in case this affair doesn’t work out.
You can’t help falling out of love with someone, but you can accept it and do something about it. Either make an effort to find that passion again or walk away.
But it’s difficult to make these big decisions while you’re still seeing this other man. I think he could be using his kids to keep things ticking along the way they are, keeping his options open.
I think you need to be in control of your own life and start by deciding the fate of your marriage.